I started writing this hoping you would one day find it. I’ve tried to reach out to you but to no avail. I can understand you not wanting anything to do with me. I don’t even know if you’d remember me, or if you did, whether they’d be memories you’d even care about.

I don’t really know where to start, so I’ll go back over forty odd years, to when it all began.

I always liked you when we were kids. I just didn’t know how to tell you. Or how to react to your attention. The only thing I could do was avoid you and hope you’d lose interest. And you did.

Then high school hit and it all came back to me when other boys started showing you attention. And I couldn’t handle it.

There are several memories from my childhood that are etched in my brain. By far the most vivid was when we were in high school, when you called me arrogant. I wish I’d spoken up then. I never thought I was too good for you, or anyone. I always felt you were too good for me.

When I left school I would sit by the window in the afternoons waiting for you to walk by on your way home from school. That was as close as I could ever get.

I tried to go back to school after being out of it for eighteen months. You would have been in Year 12. But after speaking to the school and even getting put in a class the Principal decided it would be a waste of time. I’d failed before leaving. He saw no reason why anything would be different. So that was that.

It took me a long time to realise why I behaved the way I did when I was a kid. I’d seen doctors and shrinks. Told I had depression. It wasn’t until I was about twenty five I had a psychiatrist tell me I was manic depressive. Or bi-polar as they say these days. I spent years dealing with that but it took a long time to realise that maybe that’s where it all went wrong. I tried to remember a time when I wasn’t “sick” and realised it went all the way back to primary school. I was doing fine then, with grades anyway. And you had liked me then. Maybe you saw something in me then. I don’t know. Or maybe we were just kids.

I just wanted to say I’m sorry, for ignoring you, then for my behaviour towards you. I had feelings for you then and couldn’t explain them.

Truth is I’ve thought of you a lot over the years, and wanted to reach out to you several times. But I guess I was too embarrassed. My life hasn’t exactly turned out the way I’d hoped and I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.

But in the last few years I’ve realised we only have so long, and I would really love to hear from you again.

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